Because I’m going to put on a show.
Whoa, hello. I didn’t see you there. Step into my little corner of the Internet, and let me make you a gin and tonic. I promise you, it’s very good gin. Lime, or no?
A few days ago, I had the itch to blog. I have this lovely new site design in progress and writing hasn’t been happening as often as I’d like. It’s all here, just waiting for me to sit down, and put my fingers to the keys.
Except I kept avoiding it. And putting it off. And dragging my feet, and well, not just sitting down and writing.
So I said, “Self! What’s going on with this? We used to blog. All. The. TIME.”
Self leaned over and whispered, “People are looking now. What if we’re TOTALLY LAME.”
“Self, we are lame on a daily basis. Several times a day, more often than not. We’re like Bridget Jones and Liz Lemon rolled into a much shorter, bustier package. We always laugh about it.”
“But? But? Heehee, BUTTS. See? I’m being dumb, in public, RIGHT NOW.”
“OMG DELETE IT.”
“No! Make me!”
This…went on for a while.
There is something worse than writing when no one is listening; it’s writing when people are just starting to listen and pay attention to you.
I woke up to the email, excitedly texted family and friends at 5 am…and then got a deluge of attention I wasn’t expecting. Every once in a while I am painfully naive. I did not make the connection between all the attention and the publication. Then it hit me.
All of a sudden, I wasn’t in so much of a vacuum anymore. And it was a bit surreal.
I do better when I don’t realize what’s at stake (we all do, actually). I said hello to Bono because I was tired and had no idea until after who I was talking to. But I realized I was afraid to even write this post because PEOPLE MIGHT LOOK. AND READ IT.
There is freedom in being an unknown. You want to write that crazy cannibal epic fantasy romance, you go right ahead. Write a post about how your life feels like it’s going absolutely ass over teakettle? If anything, everyone who is trying to keep up appearances on social media will give an inward sigh of relief.
The more steps you take outside of your comfort zone, the more you are going to screw up. Royally. Fantastically. Beautifully. I’m sure I’m going to make a gaffe or two or ten billion right here on my own site.
And this is the dirty little secret that I am absolutely trash talking today.
Every single one of us has that moment of being terrified. Of being vulnerable. Of having days where it just doesn’t matter; your skin will not be thick enough to weather the emotional tornado. Fucking up so hard that you would hand over a limb if it meant you could undo it. But to me? That’s beautiful. Being awkward and terrified, and still putting your work out there? Still trying one more time, and trying to be better?
That’s not lame. That’s badass.
Written for & dedicated to Meg – who inspires me every single day with her badassery.