Day 31 (May 21): I applied to two things that put me outside of my comfort zone. But I did it!
Day 32 (May 22): I did a hike above my skill level at Palomar Mountain. It was amazing and incredible, and one of those . I got altitude sickness (you start at 6500 ft). I threw up. A lot. I stubbed my toe. And it was amazing and beautiful and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Okay, yes, given my choice, I would definitely do without the altitude sickness.
Day 33 (May 23): Asked for help. The world did not implode.
Day 34 (May 24): Had two awesome meetings with people who inspire me creatively. It’s good to work with people who push you to be your best self.
Day 35 (May 25): Did not work past my 8 hours at the day job, even though I easily could have. I keep reminding myself that when I take care of me, work flows better.
Day 36 (May 26): Started work on a project that feels out of my league. It’s not, but it’s that good old impostor syndrome, rearing it’s ugly head. But the important thing is I started.
Day 37 (May 27): I started dreaming again. About what kind of life I want to live, and what I want my life to look like. I allowed myself to feel hopeful.
Day 38 (May 28): I took my crappy poem and I made it not crap. I’m so proud of it, and so happy with how it turned out. I submitted it and it’s germinating in a slush pile. Fingers crossed!
Day 39 (May 29): Finally dove back into a short horror piece that I felt too intimidated to write. Or, rather, I had the death grip of perfection on it, trying to make every sentence sing.
Instead, relaxing my grip actually got the story moving forward. I was scared to start, but now it feels much better.
Day 40 (May 30): Took today and made myself do nothing. I’m very tied to what I do being the only measure of my success. Taking a day to do nothing is a challenge for me.
Day 41 (May 31): Survived my first real, major holiday single and acknowledged that I was sad about it. Missing the good parts, even if they were hard to see by the end. I think really just missing the good parts of a good relationship – the stupid inside jokes, the company, a warm body…
And I wish I could just get a dog. Alas, no furbabies in my apartment. Someday.
Day 42 (June 1): I cleaned out my email. You know all those things you think you’ll read, and instead you end up having an overflowing inbox, because “what if I miss something?” Deleted.
Day 43 (June 2): Removed myself from not one, but two, FB groups. My newsfeed was overblown with posts that were not making my life better.
Day 44 (June 3): I admitted that life feels lonely right now.
Day 45 (June 4): I cancelled something I was really looking forward to doing because I am sick. Burning fever and sleeping. All. Day. Long.
Day 46 (June 5): Decided being sick is a very good reason to not do something scary today. And that, in and of itself, was scary.
Day 47 (June 6): Day 3 of a fever and body aches. I stayed home from work and slept all day again. Surprisingly haven’t gone to where I normally go when I’m sick, which is “OMG THIS WILL NEVER END.”
Realizing that this new way of looking at being sick – that this says nothing about me as a person and it was just my turn – is giving myself grace.
Day 48 (June 7): Day 2 off from work and as I write this, sitting up for the first time in days, my scary thing today is admitting that I’m human. No kidding, right? Instead of feeling glad that I have the benefits I do so I can take off work when I need to, I normally feel guilt and shame. The normal rant of “I have so much to do, and who else will do it” and the never-ending litany of the ways people say we don’t measure up. I threw that out the window today.
Because I have had a fever and been in bed for four solid days. It’s a big deal that I’ve made it out of bed to my comfy chair. So fuck that noise. I’m taking care of me.